How Jodie Learned to Start Worrying and Hate the Bomb
by Smileyfax
Summary: Jodie learns the hard way that she shouldn't provoke Daria into engaging in student politics.


"Oh no," Daria muttered to Jane. "Here she comes."

"Daria, Jane," Jodie greeted. "Did you know there's going to be a student council meeting tonight after school?"

"No. I also don't know how many cockroaches the average person can eat in one sitting. I can live without either piece of information."

Jodie made a face, but persevered. "Please, Daria, will you think about coming?"

"Hmm." Daria stroked her chin. "Jane, what's on my social calendar for this evening?"

Jane flipped through the pages of an imaginary book. "Well, at four o'clock, you have tea and scones with the Duke of York, at five thirty you have a meeting with the grocery stock boys' union to discuss modeling nude for their calendar, and from eight o'clock on it's Bad Movie Night, featuring Carnosaur 2, which is basically Aliens but with dinosaurs."

Jodie sighed. "Come on, Daria. Nobody ever shows up for our public meetings, except Brittany and Kevin -"

"Don't you mean 'Madame President'?" Jane pointed out with a grin.

Jodie began to grit her teeth. " -and all they ever do is make out anyway."

"So you want me to come to a student council meeting just to watch Kevin and Brittany make out?" All three of them turned to the opposite side of the hallway, where the duo in question were locked in a battle of the lips. "Is this a student council meeting right now?" Daria asked.

"Oh, forget it!" Jodie turned and stormed off. "At least take some damn pride in local government!"

Daria was all set to forget about the encounter and gear up for some B-move dinosaur action, but then she noticed the Look on Jane's face. Grinning, she leaned over and whispered into Daria's ear. After hearing what she had to say, Daria mulled it over for a moment, then gave a small smile of her own. "You know, Lane, it's times like these that almost justify my letting you live for your various transgressions."

"Aw, you're just a big softy," Jane scoffed.

XXXX

"Um, I call to meeting this order...uh, I mean, I call to order this meeting of the student council," Brittany squeaked, embarrassed at having gotten her words mixed up. "Vice President Landon, you have the floor." She then turned and started tongue wrestling with the treasurer (aka her Kevvy).

"Thank you, Madame President," she said, with the barest hint of contempt. "Our first order of business -"

"I have a question."

Jodie looked up from her prepared notes to see - shocker of shockers - Daria and Jane sitting in the audience.

"Uh, yes!" Jodie started excitedly. "What is it, Miss Morgendorffer?"

Daria stood, cleared her throat, and began to speak. "I would like to know why the student council hasn't outlawed nuclear weapons."

"Well, the answer is quite..." As the answer soaked into Jodie's brain, her neurons briefly shut down, and she was unable to articulate anything at all. Finally, she rebooted enough to let out a disbelieving "What?"

"Well, Jane and I were looking through the school charter, and the the student guidebook, and the minutes of every council meeting under the Taylor/Landon administration, and we didn't see a single word about banning nuclear weapons."

Jodie had to blink several times, to make sure Daria and Jane were really feeding her some bullshit about nukes, and that insanity hadn't finally kicked in. She chose her next words very carefully. "Daria. Jane. The school does not prohibit nuclear weapons because the school is not in possession of nuclear weapons. The school will never be in possession of nuclear weapons, due to the extraordinarily high cost in building one and owning one. It is the Department of Defense's responsibility to -"

"Point of order," Daria interrupted. "But the nation's nuclear weapons are handled by the Department of Energy, not the Department of Defense."

Years later, Jodie would mark that specific moment in time when her stomach gave birth to its first ulcer. "Be that as it may, Miss Morgendorffer," she said through clenched teeth. "The student council doesn't see the need to ban nuclear weapons."

"So would it be okay if I brought one in to school tomorrow?"

Jodie recoiled in surprise. "You...no. You don't own a nuclear weapon." Daria shrugged as a non-response. "Don't play coy, Daria, I know damn well you don't have a nuclear weapon."

Daria shrugged again. "So you're saying that the Student Council won't ban them, then?"

"No! The student council will not ban friggin' nukes! It's a waste of our damn time! Now get the hell out of here!"

Daria and Jane walked out of the student council (which convened in Mrs. Bennett's room, incidentally). "What now?" Jane asked.

"Now, we move onto Phase 2 of the plan," Daria replied, reaching into her pocket and thumbing off the tape recorder. 


End file.
